from Harlot of the Tub

Act 2
Scene 7:
Time: the present

Uriah's funeral procession comprised of soldiers and bureaucrats. Bathsheba in false mourning, veiled in black. Full military honors, flag draped casket. Joab in full-dress uniform, medals shining, comforting the widow. David and Amnon, heads bowed, walk slowly behind the casket. The procession stops in front of a dais and microphone. Joab steps forward, clears his throat to speak:

Joab: Ladies and gentlemen, friends, associates, fellow warriors, Bathsheba--we are gathered here today to pay our final respect to a brave man who gave his life for his country. A man whose love of these United States was an inspiration to all who had the pleasure to live and work beside him. I have known soldiers--it is my business to know them--and I can state unequivocally that no finer soldier than was Captain Uriah exists in the United States' military, nor has ever existed.

(Joab clears his throat, drinks water, wipes his brow with a handkerchief)

As we prepare to lay Uriah in his final resting place here in Washington, I ask only that you contemplate for a time this dutiful man's record. It speaks volumes.

(a projection screen unrolls above the dais; a series of grainy 1970s sports highlights play as Joab continues)

Third in his class at West Point. First at Annapolis and second at the Air Force Academy. Football star who rushed for 300 yards in one game for Army, averaged 25 points per game and 15 rebounds for Navy. Impressive numbers for a sophomore, but they pale in comparison to is junior season, when he rushed for 400 yards in one game for Navy and averaged 30 points and 20 rebounds a game for Army.

(the mourners are impressed; a murmur filters through the crowd)

At the Air Force Academy he was the coxswain of the NCAA champion rowing crew, winner of the prestigious science gold medal, and a rhetorician of the highest caliber.

(nodding and enthused recognition in the crowed; slight applause)

A Navy pilot, he distinguished himself at three consecutive Tail Hook Conventions by refusing to participate in any overtly sexist scandals, such as the running of the gauntlet or drunken displays of sexuality. A virtuous man, he refused to drink alone or have what is commonly referred to as a dark day.

(another smattering of applause)

He wore a beatific smile at all times and rubbed the heads of street waifs around the globe. He gave generously of his time to the FBI and CIA.

(louder applause)

He recorded seven kills in Panama while inflicting minimal collateral damage upon our great friends the Panamanians. He recorded three kills in Grenada and too many to count in Desert Storm. He fought along side the rebels in Afghanistan and, later, advised the Russians. Later still, he fought along side the Afghanistan Army and cut off the head of the Taliban. He was a friend of Osama bin Laden before he was the enemy of Barack Obama! History bears witness!

(uproarious applause)

A friend of the stars, he turned down the leads in the Hollywood version of "A Broadway Life," and the Broadway version of "A Life in Hollywood." Why? To concentrate on his divinity studies at the New York Theological Conservatory. I laud this man, you are correct, and never was a man more deserving...

(pause as Joab is breaking down; hushed silence)

I ask you to bear with me. I loved this man. As I dry these tears I remember Uriah's quick wit, his engaging intelligence, his love of family, his gentleness...

(Bathsheba pretends to faint, falling back into the arms of David and Amnon; they help her sit down in a chair, kneeling beside her. The crowd mutters concern)

Offered a job playing trombone in NBC's house band, he refused, saying he hadn't time. He was, after all, the director of the All Navy Big Band.

(crowd refocuses on Joab and applauds)

The word my friends, warriors, Bathsheba--is loyalty. Uriah breathed it as others breathe air. It filled his lungs and permeated his soul. L-o-y-a-l-t-y, ladies and gentlemen! You know how to spell it. I can only pray you know what it means...

(As Joab is winding down, spelling loyalty, Absalom and his entourage of whores join the crowd of mourners; the mourners are aghast and shout expletives at them. Absalom raises a bottle of whiskey over the whores' heads and pours as the women drink as much as they can. He drinks himself and waits for the crowd to quiet down. He finally speaks to Joab.

Absalom: What a show this is! What great theater! General, you are a star!

(the mourners boo Absalom, who seizes the microphone)

General, all of you--you bray like a-s-s-e-s!



TS