Zen No Zen

After coming home yesterday afternoon and editing a short scene from the Sweet Home footage for A Marvelous Paranoia, I'm convinced the project has the potential to be what I imagine it to be--a docupersonal based on my memoir.

Yet something else is at play under the surface, and I'm not sure I know what that is.  Am I creating a self-indulgent prank, or a meditation on the past?  Could it possibly be both?

Why in the world would anyone but an understanding fellow narcissist care?

It is a perfect thing to be painted black.  I hate this project enough to make it complete.  The task is unavoidable, and I will spend hours honing it.

What is clear is that the project itself is an aspect of the struggle, another moment of not knowing.  It seems then that the entire point is to demonstrate that while one would like to know, the quest is often fool hearty.

I would do Zen rather than this if I could, believe me.  But then I do not think that would make me happy either.

So I do this instead, whatever it is.


TS