A True Story of Hearing Loss

What's all this business about Swine Fools invading the country? People are acting crazy about some sort of imminent threat from Swine Fools. Swine Fools are potentially deadly, nearly pandemic, blah, blah, blah!

Well, here's some news for you. Swine Fools have been here all along.

You can find them in dive bars and fancy restaurants to be sure, but they're no less preponderant in the halls of Congress, or among the so-called captains of industry.

I've met them face to face and on the pages of the local paper. I've listened to them pour out their contagious logic on television and radio. I've sat among them in classrooms, listened to their lectures, and passed them on the street on the way to the corner grocery store.

They've cut me off in traffic on occasion, and made me stand in long lines to buy things I don't need.

They ride bikes, walk, run, and talk trash on city buses. Their favorite cars are SUVs.

They’re obese and dangerously thin. They’re handsome and ugly as ogres. They’re witches and saints, courteous and rude. Funny, and boring as the City Club.

Swine Fools sin all week and go to church on Sunday. They’re atheists, but have a spiritual side. They’re Mormons and Jews, Catholics and Protestants. Yes, they are Muslims, too.

Swine Fools are all too human, in other words.

Swine Fools have used and manipulated me in the work place.

A good portion of them are in jail, others are headed in that direction. Swine Fools are also, ironically, the jailers and the judges.

Swine Fools will pop up anywhere when you least expect it, just when you think you're safe. But you're never safe. It's foolish to think you are.

I've even dated Swine Fools. So have you, admit it. You go out and the thing just doesn't click. Maybe you're married to a Swine Fool, or thinking about marrying one.

Better, you recently divorced one and feel good for the first time in years.

Be careful though, you might go home alone and confront the Swine Fool in the mirror. It isn't pretty.

War is the work of Swine Fools. Lord knows we have a dose of that, don't we? We've been sick with it for a long time. I hope you don't really expect to get well soon. You'll be extremely disappointed in the end.

Look at the economy. It is the work of Swine Fools.

But it's been around, like war, forever. What is this, your second, third, fourth so-called recession? It’s my fourth.

I laugh.

Ever placed a bet, thinking you know the score before it happens? That's a Swine Fool move, believe me.

Swine Fools are winners and losers.

Let me reiterate. Swine Fools have been with us all along. This particular pandemic has been with us since the Kennewick Man’s time.

So I don’t want to hear anything more about Swine Fools. I’ll turn off the television, turn off the radio, turn off my computer if I have to.

What's that you say? Swine Flu, not Fool?

Uh, I gotta go. I'll be in touch.


(Such was my response to the media last year.)

TS